


And we're all under the upper-hand (Go mad for a couple of grams)

by swordfightingprincess



Series: the losers and the winners (hunger games stories) [2]
Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Death, Drug Use, Forced Prostitution, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prostitution, even the victors aren't ok, i didn't intend for there to be a weird Cato & haymitch bond but here we are, victor!cato
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2021-01-30 21:56:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21435331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swordfightingprincess/pseuds/swordfightingprincess
Summary: When he wins the games, he loses himself, and isn't sure how to stop it.ORCato wins the games, and learns that no one is safe, not even the Victors.
Relationships: Cato & Clove (Hunger Games), Cato & Finnick Odair, cato & haymitch abernathy
Series: the losers and the winners (hunger games stories) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1545325
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	And we're all under the upper-hand (Go mad for a couple of grams)

**Author's Note:**

> A few months ago, I wrote my take on a victor!Clove au, and thought that I should try my hand at a Cato one. This got a lot darker than I expected it to, which is why I debated whether or not to post it but I do love parts of it to I'm giving it a go. I did write the first half six months ago before picking it up again a week ago.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!
> 
> Title is from the A Team by Ed SHeeran

Clove hated jewelry. Everyone who knew her knew this. She thought it was frivolous and impractical and too feminine. It got caught on her hair and her clothes. If she was busy worrying about these things, she wasn't paying attention to the fight.

There was one thing that she kept a secret from everyone but the person who knew her best. She wore a plain silver chain with a circular locket on it around her neck everyday without fail. I didn't know why she wore it, or why it was the exception to her No Jewelry rule. The important thing was that she wore it and that she trusted me enough to let me know about it. She'd worn it for at least as long as we'd been training partners, but for all I knew she'd had it all her life. it was a while before I got over the weirdness of _Clove wearing jewelry_. After a while, the thought of her without the locket was strange. About as strange as the thought of Clove without her knives: impossible.__

_ _~_ _

_ _It was the night of her fifteenth birthday. Which was exactly three weeks before the reaping when she appeared at my window at midnight. When I woke up to the sound of pebbles bouncing off my window I knew it was Clove. She was the only person who would wake me up four hours after we’d last seen each other. So I threw on a shirt and jacket, and grabbed the knife that I carried with me every time I left my house. After curfew, it was never completely safe to be wandering around at night in Two, not if you weren't armed._ _

_ _When I rounded the side of my house, she was standing against the wall with an infuriating smirk on her face._ _

_ _“Damn, what took you so long?”_ _

_ _“Shut the fuck up, you know if mom caught me out of bed this late I’d get my ass beat.”_ _

_ _“Whatever.”_ _

_ _She turned on her heel and walked away. It didn’t take that long for my steps to catch up to hers. Soon enough we were walking side by side, like we always did. Following the uniform side roads to the edge of the district._ _

_ _There was a tree by the train tracks that they’d been talking about cutting down for years. It's branches twisted and the trunk bent over and served no purpose other than to be an eyesore. No one in Two wanted to spare any Peacekeepers or Quarry workers to do the job, so the tree remained. No one liked it, and most people didn’t wander down by the train tracks anyway. It remained a good place for me and Clove to hide out after dark where we wouldn’t be caught._ _

_ _“What do you want Sevina?” I muttered, not ducking down low enough to avoid getting a branch to the face._ _

_ _“I made a decision. And the academy backs me up.”_ _

_ _If she'd gotten the academy involved, there was only one possibility._ _

_ _“You’re kidding.”_ _

_ _“Not kidding. The reaping is in three weeks and they needed to pick a candidate. When I went to them, they said they could move Nadia to next year. It was my decision.”_ _

_ _Clove, my Clove, was going into the games. “No fucking way, you’re too young.”_ _

_ _“I’m fifteen, that’s old enough.”_ _

_ _“I thought- it doesn’t matter what I thought you’re doing this anyway.” _ _

_ _“You got that right.”_ _

_ _Clove and I had had plans. Plans to volunteer when we were eighteen, which would have been two consecutive games. Plans to win our games so we could be glorious victors until the day we die. I thought the idea of basking in eternal glory with Clove seemed like a great idea. I guess she had other ideas._ _

_ _“Look, I didn’t drag you out here for you to tell me I shouldn’t do this. I need to do this now.”_ _

_ _“You had to tell me sometime!”_ _

_ _“You would have found out tomorrow morning. They're gonna call me and Markus out for special training.”_ _

_ _She had a point there. In the back of my mind, I wondered if I would have dragged her out late to tell her if I’d done the same thing. I did my best to silence the part of me that said that I wouldn’t have._ _

_ _“So if you didn’t call me out here to tell me, what do you want?”_ _

_ _Clove turned her back to me, gesturing for me to lift up her hair. Once I did, she unclasped the chain from around her neck letting the locket pool into her hand. I let her hair fall back on her neck, wondering why she was taking off the chain I never saw her without. She turned to face me, grabbing my hand roughly and dumping the necklace into it._ _

_ _“Clo what the fuck?”_ _

_ _“I’m not gonna risk losing this in the arena. So since you aren’t going in, you’re gonna keep it safe until I come home.” her green eyes met mine the question we would never ask hanging between us. What if you don’t come home? I shoved all feeling away, like I always did, and closed my fist around the locket._ _

_ _“Got it.”_ _

_ _“Good. if you aren’t waiting at the station when I get off that train as a victor with this, you’re going to be my next victim.”_ _

_ _“Glad to see you still think you can beat me.” _ _

_ _“I’ll be fresh off a killing spree Cato, killing you will be all too easy.” _ _

_ _“It's sad, but you won't get the chance, because I’ll be here with your necklace when you come home. That is, assuming you still have time for me when you’re a victor.”_ _

_ _Clove rolled her eyes. “Get your head out of your ass. Of course I’ll have time for you. No one else is as fun to crush on a daily basis.”_ _

_ _I laughed a bit. Before I could think of another comment, Clove was off. She ran, ducking under the branches and running through the streets. I took off after her. I forgot the peacekeepers lurking on the big streets. I forgot that this was one of the last nights like this we’d have before she went to the arena. All that mattered was that I ran after her all the way back to her house._ _

_ _I refused to let myself think about Clove going into the arena, ever. Neither of us did. She never asked about the locket. Never acknowledged that anything was different. Even when she was getting private training instead of the individual training. We knew that if someone mentioned it we’d have to face the fact that Clove was fifteen. The fact that she’d be the youngest career and even if she was vicious, she could be overpowered by a massive eighteen year old outlier. Neither of us wanted to acknowledge what would happen if her face was flashed in the sky. That wasn’t something we needed to face.  
~_ _

_ _The reaping dawned gray and cold. As I straightened my jacked for the millionth time I decided the weather was fitting. All across the country, there would be twenty-three other people climbing onto stages knowing in the pit of their stomachs that they would be dead within a month. Only one could cross the stage knowing she’d come out alive. That was the faith that I had in Clove, and her ability to slaughter everyone in that arena. _ _

_ _The wind hit me like a train when I stepped out onto the road that would lead me to yet another year of predictable reapings. Except this year, there was a little bit of dread in my stomach, the slightest bit of fear. I shoved all worries out of my head as I followed the throngs of well dressed teenagers down the road towards the square. _ _

_ _I had nearly made it to the identification line when someone pulled me aside roughly. I was about to reprimand them for messing up my sleeve, when my eyes met the cold ones of the head trainer from the academy. I barely had time to open my mouth when he spoke. _ _

_ _“Markus isn’t volunteering. He’s physically incapable. You have to volunteer.” _ _

_ _“Excuse me?” _ _

_ _“You heard me. You going to volunteer to be tribute this year, this is what you’ve trained for, you understand?”_ _

_ _It wasn’t a question, it was a command. _ _

_ _“But sir, Clove-”_ _

_ _“Is also volunteering. The two of you will be a dream team in the arena. One of you will come out alive, I don’t know why we didn’t put you in sooner.” _ _

_ _I was about to protest, say that I would be better put in next year, but as quick as he had shown up, he was gone, leaving me to the mercy of peacekeepers that came to shove me into line. _ _

_ _ _You’re volunteering. Clove is volunteering. Only one of you can come out alive. It should be Clove. You promised you’d be at the station when she came home. You or Clove, there can only be one victor.___ _ _

_ _ _ _If this was how the outlier kids felt before the reapings I didn’t like it. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _~  
“I volunteer!” _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _My fists clenched even though I knew exactly how this was going to go. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“The male tribute is-” _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“I volunteer!” _ _ _ _

__ __ _ _This was the feeling I’d waited for my entire life. The eyes on me, the people parting to let me through, the escort babbling on in the background about how brave I was despite Two producing volunteers each year. Oh, and Clove’s eyes digging angry holes into my back. In my pocket, I could feel Clove’s locket weighing heavy against my leg.  
~  
“I had no choice, you know.” _ _

_ _ _ _I was the one to break the icy silence that had fallen between Clove and I on the train. We’d spoken to Brutus and Enobaria, to Maricus the escort, but not to each other. I hadn’t wanted to be the first one to break, but of course I was. Clove could hold a grudge forever if necessary, felt no emotions that compelled her to stop. I always felt too much, my one undoing. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Markus was supposed to volunteer. It was obviously your choice.” _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“The head trainer told me to volunteer in his place. Apparently Markus isn’t physically capable.”  
“I’m calling bullshit.” _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Fuck Clove do you think I want to be here now?” _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Honestly Cato, would you tell me if you did?” _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _I don’t know, would I? _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _~_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _I’d lost count of how many days we’d been in the arena when we heard Marvel’s cannon go off. It didn’t take much to realise that Katniss Everdeen had killed him. The fact that she was responsible for yet another one of my allies deaths, responsible for yet another blow to my pride, made me want to kill her even more. I was all set to find her, stab her in the heart and watch the blood bubble past her lips. One look from Clove kept me in my place. I knew it was too risky. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _~_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Two victors? From the same district? It seemed too good to be true, but looking at Clove, knowing that there was a chance that we could go home, victorious together, I was willing to take it. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _~_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _A flash of red hair drew me away from my post. Clove would be fine, she always was. The girl from Five had evaded death for too long and this could be my chance. Clove would take out Everdeen, I’d kill Five then we’d go hunt down Eleven and Loverboy, and claim out crowns. It would be perfect._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _~_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _A scream split the world in half and shook me to my core. I was sprinting back towards the cornucopia before I had time to process it. Whoever it was would pay._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _~  
Her skull didn’t look quite right, there was a visible dent. I saw Eleven and Twelve disappear into the woods but I didn’t care. The only person that mattered was Clove, Clove who’s life was slipping away in front of my eyes._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _~_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Her hand was clinging to mine, grip slowly going slack. Above me a cannon boomed, the noise fading out of focus._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _~  
My vision was blurry, my head pounding. Clove Clove Clove. I stumbled into the woods, not knowing where I was going. My hand clutched the locket, chain dangling between my fingers. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _~_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _I was going to kill Thresh from Eleven. I was going to kill him, then I was going to kill the Girl on Fire. I hoped her sister was watching. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _~_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Eleven put up more resistance then I thought, but with the armour I finally managed to strike him down for good. That night, in the sky, there were two faces: my kill, and the redhead from Five. Goddamn Twelves, taken out someone that I could have killed. It was really the only thing that mattered._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _~_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _The mutts came out of nowhere, huge creatures out of someone’s nightmares. They chased me through the trees, biting at my ankles. Sweat poured down my face as I desperately tried to put distance between myself and the creatures of my nightmares. The further I got from the mutts , the faster they ran. The more I cut down with my sword, the more leapt up from the ground and jumped down from the trees landing inches from me. If this was how I was going to die, the gamemakers letting the mutts take me out so the pathetic 'Star Crossed Lovers' could win, it was a fucking awful way to go out. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _~_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Finally I broke through the tree line, racing past the blurry image of the Twelve's sitting by the lake. The only thing in my sight line was the cornucopia, a beacon of temporary safety. When I manage to get a grip on the sides I'm pulling myself on top of the huge metal structure, collapsing in a heap of lost breath and screaming muscles. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _~ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _The pair from Twelve scramble into the cornucopia not long after me. Rabid mutts snarl below us, spit flying in the air. But they can't touch me. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _The mutts can't touch me but the Star Crossed Lovers can._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _~_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _First thing they teach you at the Academy: know your opponent. After nearly ten years of training, I'd gotten pretty good at figuring out how to approach each fight. Clove had been better at it, but I wasn't thinking about her._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _The twelves were injured, the boy more so than the girl. She looked exhausted and I could see where her head had been cut. The boy was definitely favoring one of his legs, and no matter what their sponsors had gotten them, I knew where I'd cut him. The girl had the bow she'd taken from Glimmer, but the boy was empty handed. Their training scores had been 11 and 8. I listed the facts in my head as I prepared to lunge. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Katniss readied an arrow, which kept me at a distance. I saw her train her aim on me, and if it hit me, it could potentially push me into the mutts below.  
"Come get me Twelve, come get me." I muttered, words lost in the growling filling the air. _ _ _ _

__ __ _ _Katniss and I chose the exact same moment to attack. She fired her arrow at the same time as I threw myself towards her. The arrow bounced off my chest thanks to my armour, letting me continue to plow towards her. She flung an arm across her partner doing her best to protect him from me, but I knocked them both to the ground. Playing to his weaknesses, I drove my knee into the boys injured leg. He howled in pain, and I used my other foot to kick the bow out of Katniss's hand and towards the edge. As she scrambled for her weapon I dragged the boy into a headlock and held him dangerously close to the abyss teeming with mutts. Having retrieved her bow, she turned around spotting the two of us. A horrified expression took over her face.  
"Go ahead, shoot." A combination of blood and spit flow from my mouth.  
"If you shoot, we both go down and you win."_ _

_ _ _ _The boy was writhing in my arms, and I could feel him tracing something on my hand. I moved him closer to the mutts, watching the look on Katniss's face grow more and more desperate. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _When she let her arrow fly, I roughly moved the boy so the arrow hit him instead of me. She rarely missed, but now she must have hit him somewhere vital. He cried out, going limp in my arms. Within seconds I'd dropped his lifeless body to the metal below me, and turned my focus to the girl in front of me. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _"You killed him." Her voice shook._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _"I did. You know why?" I didn't wait for her answer, "You're the reason she's dead you stupid bitch." _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Katniss looked confused for a second before realization dawned on her face. "The girl from your district. Clove or something."_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _That's right. Clove is dead, and there's nothing she'd want me to do more than kill the girl responsible for all her problems. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _I'm not thinking, I'm not using any sort of logic, I'm just lunging towards her knocking us both towards the edge. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _"My sister-" was all she managed to get out, before both of us were propelled over the edge. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _~_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _The mutts were agony. Their teeth ripped at my clothes, my face, my hair. The armour protected them from doing any real damage, but for every blow that didn't kill me, it made up for with pain. That was all I could feel._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _I was slashing at them, trying to cut them down, when something stopped me. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _In front of me, snarling viciously, was a mutt with thick blonde fur and brilliant green eyes. Glimmer's eyes. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _A lean tawny mutt with a gold collar that matched Glimmer's mutt's reminded me of Marvel's face in the sky. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _And then there she was. The angriest one of all was smaller, with dark brown fur and green eyes that I would have known anywhere. Clove. But it's not her, it's a mutt that wants me dead. Clove. Clove. Clove. Kill the mutt and win this thing. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _"You're gonna keep this safe until I come home."___ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _A cannon booms and then there's nothing. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _When I wake up, they tell me that I've been out for a week. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _~ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _They put me in a dark red suit. It was obviously custom made like everything in the Capitol, but I barely give a damn. The lights are blinding and Caesar Flickerman welcomes me out as the victor of the 74th annual Hunger Games. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Victor. Hunger Games. Cato. Victor. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _I had made 8 kills which was more than any other tribute, careers included. I did my best to charm the audience. I answered Caesar's questions, and then it's time for the recap. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _I couldn't help but smirk every time I saw myself strike down another tribute. Caesar had the crowd cheering at my best moments, which filled me with pride. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Then Clove's scream cut through the air, as clear as it had been in the arena. I saw myself sprint towards her, hold her as she died. The grief on my face, however fleeting, terrified me. If I was capable of such visible emotion, how long would it be before someone used it against me?_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _As I heard Clove's cannon go off, watched myself rise from beside her body, the alien grief replaced with familiar murder, Caesar's voice cut through my haze of thought. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _"Are you alright?"_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _It was then that I realized that my hands were gripping the armrests of my chair so hard they ached. Forcing myself to release my death grip, I nodded tightly. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _"Was she important to you? Clove?" _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _More than you know. More than I know. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _"We'd trained together for years. She was my best friend." _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Sighs of sympathy rippled through the crowd. It wasn't the reaction I'd thought I'd be getting, but at least they were engaged. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _"If you'd had the chance, would you have sacrificed yourself to let her win?" _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Would I? The word yes was on the tip of my tongue, of only as residue feeling form minutes before, but then I heard the trainer's voice in my head. Emotion is weakness. Feeling gets you killed. Your district comes before all else. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _"I guess I cared for her, but I would never have let it get in the way of my goal of winning."_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Winning had always been my goal, even if I foolishly thought Clove would be there when I did. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _When I got home, there were crowds at the station, and I found myself searching for any hint of Clove's family. I hadn't necessarily been their favourite person, but Two had a victor and that was always something to celebrate. Needless to say, neither of Clove's parents bothered to show._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _~ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _That night, the first one in a long time that I'd spent in my own bed at home, I couldn't sleep. Fitting, I thought, that I couldn't stop thinking about her. She'd never let me live it down, the thought of me being sentimental. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Somewhere in my house I found sleep pills that must have been given to my Peacekeeper mother. I took a few, barely making it back to bed before they knocked me out. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Nearly a week later, I was walking along the edge of the train tracks. I'd so far avoided the tree where Clove and I used to go, but the rusted edges of the old tracks were perfect for being alone. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Somewhere between one step and the next I tripped and found myself on the ground. Grunting, I picked myself up off the ground. Brushing dirt off my pants I noticed something glinting next to the track. I grabbed it, slowly untangling the twisted chain. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Clove's locket. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I'd completely forgotten about it. I was wearing the same jacket I'd worn when I came back from the Capitol, so I guess my stylist must have put it there. It had been my goddamn tribute token. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _"You're gonna keep this safe until I come home."___ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _How long would that be? How long would I be waiting, hearing her voice in my head. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _She came home a week later. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _I wasn't even sure I was gonna go to the funeral. It would be the same as all the other tribute 'funerals' in Two. The family, academy trainers, and anyone who'd been close to the dead gave speeches. Then we buried the body. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _My mother threw a pitcher of ice water on me when she left to do her rounds. Told me I was being a terrible person and that if I didn't go, people would talk. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _"Until I come home."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _I got up and went to the fucking funeral._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _"Clove was one of our most promising tributes. She asked to volunteer before the usual age and had a real shot at winning."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _"Clove brought honor to Two in everything she did. She always put her training and her district first, as she should."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _"Her death was not in vain, it was just what was meant to happen."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _People kept talking and I wanted to kill them all._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _It was all bullshit anyway._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _"Next it her fellow tribute, Two's latest victor: Cato Read!" _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Ah fuck I had to talk. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _I wasn't nervous. I wasn't excited. I want really much of anything._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _"Clove and I go way back, which is why I feel no shame in saying that she was a total bitch most of the time."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _The trainer frowned, but made no move to stop me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _"She didn't care about people, or things, really I sometimes wondered if she had the capacity to feel." I paused, reaching up to scratch the back of my neck. The chain of Clove's locket dug into my skin. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _"Honestly, that's the thing I liked most about her. She knew when to prioritize herself over other people and when sacrifices were necessary. I'd always had issues with letting my emotions control me, but she never had that problem."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Someone, probably her mother was crying. Others were whispering, was this all I thought of her?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _To tell you the truth I never knew what to say when it came to Clove. Trainer motioned for me to keep going. I had no idea what else to say. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _"She was my best friend."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _"It was an honour to be able to fight next to her in the arena."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _"I miss her every day."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _I hadn't meant to say the last thing. It sounded weak. The moment the words were out of my mouth I saw the trainer shake his head. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _I'd said too much._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Someone had combed her hair. Seeing it out of her usual ponytail, all straight and shiny was weird. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _She was wearing the same black dress that she'd worn the day of the reaping. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Hands scrubbed clean, free of the scars and dried blood that had coated them last time I'd seen her, she looked almost soft. The closer I looked I realized that the Capitol people who'd prepared her body for burial after she'd been lifted from the arena had removed all her scars. Even the visible dent in her head had been mostly mended. I wondered if I was seeing the rock's damage only because I thought I should. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Looking at Clove, all mended and perfect felt wrong. She was dead for fucks sake, show it like it is. I wanted to do something, something to make her the same bloody, scarred imperfect person I had permanently imprinted on my memory. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Instead I did nothing. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _There were two of her, one bloodied, mangled, a scream ripping through her throat, the other clean, shining, a sick grin on her face. They were closing in, hands reaching for my throat. I thrashed and screamed, tried to pry dead Clove's hands away from me, but her grip was steel. Seconds before I knew that Dead Clove would kill me, Clean Clove opened her mouth. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _"I came home. Where were you?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _I tried to scream but I had no voice. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _"You promised Cato, you promised."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _I woke up. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Less than a month after the funeral, I got my first Capitol summons. They sent me clothes, a train, a hotel room and an address. No one told me what I was going to do. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _The door was opened by a lady wearing nothing but lingerie. Before I had the chance to ask what was happening, I'd been dragged to her bedroom, long nails ripping my shirt off. I didn't protest, remembering the letter the Capitol had sent, but the pool of dread in my stomach was rapidly growing bigger._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _When I got back to my hotel room, I threw up on the fancy carpet. I vomited everything I'd ever eaten until it was all gone and then I stayed, turning my stomach inside out until I collapsed. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _When I woke up, hours later, my carpet was clean, but I had another summons, to a different address. I felt sick just thinking about it. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _It was two weeks before they let me go home. When I got that letter I almost cried. It was over: I'd survived. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _The Victory Tour is like descending into Hell one slow step at a time. Each time I have to look at the tragic faces of the people whose kids I killed I throw up a little in my mouth. I’m not even sure it’s remorse, or terror or disgust at seeing so many feelings on display, but for the entire duration of the tour I was in a perpetual state of nausea. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _To add to the list of things I hated about the Victory Tour, the nightmares got worse as it went on. I hated feeling so fucking weak, waking up screaming after dreams about people whose names I barely knew. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _I’d thought I’d survived the Capitol and the horrors it held for its victors. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _How dumb I was, I think, as I dress to let another client have their way with me, to assume I could ever escape. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Every few weeks I’m back in the Capitol, reeling from nightmares, and the feeling of strange bodies on mine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _No amount of scrubbing could make me feel normal. Eventually I got used to feeling unclean._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _On the odd week I was allowed to go back to Two, I’d taken to hoarding my mother’s sleeping pills to block out my demons at night. at first it was just after the nightmares, but the more time that passed, the more I found myself taking them as a reflex, a way to ensure that my nights passed in a drug induced fog. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _During one of my Capitol weeks, I’m at a party. The alcohol flows freely, and I feel invincible, a feeling I’d long forgotten. Somewhere between drinks 6 and 7, I find myself on the balcony, cigarette between my fingers. Then I hear her voice. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _"Look at you! Not so strong now when I have the upper hand are you? Fuck, I love watching you lose to me. Really, what would you do if I ever left?"_  
The memory, her words, hit me hard. My legs start shaking, and my brain begins screaming at me to go, find her. __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _"Whatever Sevina, you know I’ll get you next time."___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _I want to run, back through the people. I want to fling myself over the balcony and feel what it’s like to fly, just for a moment. But I don't. Instead I press the lit cigarette into my bare arm, not even wincing as it burns my skin. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Somewhere between drinks 8 and 9, Finnick Odair stands beside me, and we’re back on the balcony. I tell him about the sleeping pills, I think, and he nods, like he understands, but I’m not so sure he does. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _After another half drink I realize that of course he understands. He’s been doing this forever. Whatever this is. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _The morning after the party I wake up with cigarette burns on my arm, a pounding in my head and a bottle of painkillers on my bedside table. I try to count the number of drinks I had the night before, but after 9 I lose count. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _I pop a few of the painkillers and do my best to dress myself. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _The train ride back to my district is a long one. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Someone tells me a story, the one about the victor from Twelve that drowns himself in alcohol. I laugh, swear I’m better than that, swear being a victor is amazing. Once I’m alone, I laugh because the plastic bottle on my nightstand used to be filled with little white pills. Now it’s empty and I’m finding every reason to get a new one. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _It isn’t the same, the same awful addiction. That’s what I tell myself as I sink into a blissful numbness, one without nightmares or games or strangers who pay to fuck me or dead best friends. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Oh who am I kidding, the addiction is the same._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Days blur into weeks_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Weeks into months_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _What the fuck am I doing?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _When President Snow announces the Quarter Quell, I make sure I’m sober enough to hear it. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Only twelve year olds can be reaped. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _The announcement doesn’t sit right, the thought of the arena being filled with the youngest children available to be reaped. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _My head pounds, the drugless dry spell making itself known in all the worst ways, but still I do my best, forcing myself to stay sober. Just for one night, I tell myself, just tonight, until the funny feeling the announcement gave me goes away. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _It doesn’t, for the record. The feeling stays, but I break my promise, drowning myself in alcohol a few nights before the reaping. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _When the reaping comes, it’s my brothers name they call. The Peacekeepers have to drag me off the stage, kicking and screaming. Someone sticks a needle in my neck, and when the sedative takes over, I wonder what the Capitol thinks of their pretty little victor now. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _The days leading up to the games, Niko can’t look me in the eye. He trains with Enobaria, leaving me with a girl who reminds me too much of Clove. That alone makes me want to drown, just fade away from the painful memories. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Instead, I sharpen up, train her as best I can, in hopes that she’ll make something of herself. When they load them up into the arena, I turn my chair around, barely able to watch. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Both my tributes fall in the bloodbath. The shock of seeing the outlier kids run the game is nothing compared to watching my own brother lying dead on the ground, life drained from his body. That night when I can get out of the control room, I find myself at the bar, craving the painkillers I’m so used to, but settling for alcohol instead. When the edge of my vision gets blurry, I’m not as surprised as I should be when Haymitch Abernathy sits down next to me. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“You look awful.” _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _I grimace as I chug the rest of my drink. “You don’t look great yourself.” _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Haymitch sighs. “Trust me, the way you’re going, it won’t get better. The only upside to losing your health and your mind, is that they don’t whore you out as much as they did when you were pretty and sober.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _I bark out something close to a laugh, as close as I’d gotten in a long time. “Small consolation considering that I’m still here either way.” _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“This isn’t dead tribute drinking.” the way he says is it so final, like he knows. Of course he would. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“I miss her.” words I’d never spoken out loud. “I fucking miss her.” It’s hard work, holding back a dam of words I’d refused to speak, and feelings I’d refused to allow, but I pressed my lips together, watching Haymitch mull over his drink.  
“Who do you miss?” _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“Wouldn’t you love to know.” I growled, immediately regretting it. Then, without pause, I gave in. “Clove Sevina. The girl I went to the games with. I was supposed to have her back but I didn’t and now she’s dead and she’d been dead for almost a year and I can barely handle it because I’m so fucking weak that I just sit here killing myself slowly and wishing it would hurry up because she was the one that was supposed to live.” _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“You say that you miss her enough to want the drugs to kill you,” Haymitch slurred, waving at the bartender for another drink, “but if you tried hard enough they would. I’m sure you’ve wondered what it would take, we all have. But the question is, why are you still here, if you’ve had the chance to end it?” _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“Because I’m a fucking coward.” It was my automatic response for everything these days. Don’t train my brother for the games (because I’m a coward), don’t train at the academy anymore (because I’m a coward), don’t visit my family (because I’m a coward), take drugs when it hurts too much (because I’m a coward). _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Haymitch shook his head. “Wrong.” _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _And then he walked away, leaving me drunk at a bar, by myself, in the middle of the Capitol. while children were dying in the arena. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Later, the stars were barely visible against the lights of the city, but I stood on my balcony, pretending to see them anyway. Soon the sky would begin to lighten, but I hadn’t been able to bring myself to sleep. Exhaustion was beginning to creep over my body, when I remembered the locket, shoved under my mattress back in Two. The one I’d never had the chance to give back to her. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _When the answer comes to me, the answer to the question Haymitch asked, my head feels clearer than it has in months. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“Why are you still here, if you’ve had the chance to end it?”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Clove would live. If I’d died and she’d won, she never would have even thought about not living every second of her life. Because if she’d lived, she would have earned her life in every possible way. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _So that’s what I decide to do, standing on my balcony in the Capitol. I decide to try to live, just a little. Since all I’ve been doing since I left the arena was barely surviving.  
I’m going to try to live. Not for me, I can’t do that yet. First I’m going to live for Clove, because that’s what I can do, maybe a little. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _When I got back to Two (the girl from Twelve won the Quell), I take the locket out and bury it at Clove’s grave. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Keep this until I get home, okay?___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
